How to avert the Apocalypse

Based on: https://old.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/ddn60a/wp_lucifer_is_in_love_with_a_human_the/

“Lucifer is in love with a human, the reincarnation of his original lover, Lilith. He wants to woo her, but doesn’t know how to. The solution? Offer Michael and God to cancel the Apocalypse if the human will fall in love with him. They agree and send you to act as a dating-tips-giving angel."

The glimmering portal opened on the rooftop, a dark gate showing a glimpse of tortured souls and smells of brimstone, blood and despair. Lucifer’s blasphemous aura overwhelmed my senses and shook my Grace with the thousand tentacles of his dark presence, almost bringing me to my knees.

Only the words of Michael gave me the strength to stand my ground.

– We don’t want the Apocalypse. – Michael said, and his voice resonated through the far corners of Heaven. – And this is our only hope to avoid it. Do whatever you need to help … the Traitor.

“A truce with Hell, an opportunity to avoid the End of the Days and the destruction of Creation." The words gave me the will to withstand the dark aura from the Prince of Hell.

But nothing prepared me for the actual image of Lucifer.

– ¡Oh, no! – I cried, shaking in horror. – ¿Horns? ¿Claws? ¿BAT WINGS? – My feathers shuddered, and I almost fainted while the Prince of Hell frowned.

– ¿Is this acceptable? – said Lucifer, stretching the shirt’s sleeve. His voice sounded surprisingly soft, but I couldn’t ignore some hidden edges underneath, whispering about suffering, pain and retribution.

– For the thousand time, yes. – I said, containing the impulse to catch his now human turned hand. – And, for God’s sake … – Lucifer frowned and hissed. – leave the shirt or it will be ruined. And remember, nothing about punishment, raining fire or reap any soul here.

I heard him cursing in his demonic tongue.

– How about the severed heads of her enemies? Will that please her? – I frowned. – What happens? Doesn’t she have any enemies? Are they already dead?

– No severed heads! No violence! No gloating on your conquers! – I almost shouted. – Words, Lucifer! You need only words here!

– But she was Lilith, mother of demons! We laid waste on these puny humans and their kingdoms!

– She doesn’t remember. Yet. – Lucifer frowned and began tapping his new human fingers on his leg. For a moment, I hesitated to express my concerns, but Michael’s words resonated in my head “Do whatever you need”. – Why are you so … nervous? Weren’t you Heaven’s silver tongue? Weren’t you Hell’s most persuasive talker?

Lucifer growled and looked into the beer, his lips muttering something I couldn’t hear.

– What? I’m sorry I didn’t catch that …

His hands were lightning fast and grabbed me by my chest. His face was just a couple centimeters from me and I could see Hell’s fire pits in his eyes. For a split second I thought he was going to kill me.

– That was … propaganda. – He said reluctantly, while releasing me. – Sometimes you have to, you know, sell yourself.

“Oh, fuck!" That was going to be more difficult that I thought.

To be honest, it was the most frustrating time in my whole existence under God’s Creation. The hours spent teaching Lucifer a proper way to address a woman were harder than the time (ages) I spent teaching those monkeys to build tools just smashing rocks. At least, the apes wanted to learn and didn’t threaten me with eternal punishment and endless suffering with each minor inconvenience.

But, after listening to the most horrendous curses my ears could withstand, Lucifer was kind of ready. His vocabulary and speech were far from what I wanted, but there was no more time. She was arriving to the date in the restaurant.

– Remember, compliment her and her dress, don’t interrupt her, and order the fish. – I said, fixing the tie knot, avoiding the flaming eyes of Lucifer. – Nod from time to time and try to listen, fill her cup with wine and, for fuck’s sake, eat small bites!

– Yes, yes! I know. – he said. – But I don’t understand why I can’t just let her know about soul purging and the sinner punishment, and all the glorious staff we do downstairs! She will be my queen!

– Because she is not ready yet! – I got my hands off of him and, with great care, I looked right into his eyes. – Listen, if you do as I told you, you will get another date. And another. And time will do everything, she will start remembering who she is. She will be your queen.

Lucifer frowned, with his mighty gaze nailed into my eyes. And all I could think of was the Truce and the cancellation of Apocalypse. The fate of Creation depended on that very moment.

– Trust me. – I said, and I saw a flickering flame in his eyes, a frozen moment in time, when all of Existence hanged from the cliff.

Lucifer nodded, touched the tie’s knot and, as I had instructed him, walked tight right, shoulders a little back, with the confidence of a man who knows his place in the world.

I was sitting a couple of tables away, with the cold vegetable soup in front of me, watching the situation. I couldn’t hear anything, but it was going well. The body posture, the gestures, the way she was touching her hair … and Lucifer was following my indications as instructed: hands over the table, no sudden movements, no shouting or swearing …

During an hour or so, they talked, eat and drank, an otherwise normal couple in a restaurant, knowing each other for the first time.

– Ah, Cupid! Well done! – I said to myself in a whisper. – You have outdone yourself this time!

And I couldn’t be more proud. I was able to do the impossible. For the first time since Michael and God assigned me to this, I felt relieved. Everything was going smoothly.

But something changed, something crawled through my spine and my wings' feathers bristled.

The face of Lucifer was changing, the mask was cracking, and his hands clenched into fists. Not one second later, he stood, throwing the chair, and his dark aura returned in all its might. I could feel the rage pulsating in the air, while he came to me.

– Tell Michael the Truce is over! – he screamed, the power of the damned resonating in his voice. – The Apocalypse will begin next Thursday!

My Grace froze and my hope shattered into pieces.

– But … why? – I dared to ask, while he was leaving in a trail of flames.

– Why? – he said, brimstone and darkness around his head. – Seriously? Do you think I would allow this humiliation?

– I don’t understand.

– God has reincarnated her as a multi level marketing representative! She is trying to recruit me to sell her goddamn dietetic products! Do you think I will be humiliated this way? – He walked to the door, all rage, fumes and destruction.

A voice hovered over the restaurant, a nasal, sharp voice, like someone grinding sand over glass.

– At least, you could pay for your part, honey! – it was the woman standing, Lilith reincarnated, with the empty bottle in her hand.

Lucifer turned his gaze to her.

– Fuck you, Karen! – he shouted. – Fuck you and your miracle diet products!

– How gross! – she said. She turned to the waiter and, combing her short hair, said the sentence that sealed the deal. – I want to speak to the manager.

Then I cursed, because I knew the Apocalypse was not only inevitable, but also necessary.